Life, From The Bottom

I.
A dismal picture, while others are going bottoms up for their markedly improved results. I am No 1, bottom up for economics, and new to the list of disastrous results, GP. Maths, in spite of all the invested effort, came out with an E, while a borderline C for history � a subject that I once excelled in, when I could think out an argument in 5 minutes with all the information at my fingertips. Now the knowledge that I know of is only as short as the length of my fingertips. Lit, normally my worst subject to begin with, is my ONE AND ONLY hope, with a borderline B now hanging in the balance.

II.
The only event that puts my local knowledge to good use - NE Quiz, well, that�s gone too. Ended up a mere second. After smsing the whole world to find out my GP results, and getting it finally from the mouth of a trustworthy friend, it was 20 minutes of mad searching at Jurong Point in an attempt to meet up with other friends. Only to be snubbed by spoilt and silent phones.

I couldn�t take it anymore. I left, with the knowledge that Heaven�s been nasty on me.

I�ve tried hard not to take on a trail of expletives on blog but I can no longer hold back. GP � the only B4 in class. Coming from the GP rep, how ironic. My God, what the hell have I been doing? I can�t believe I screwed that up so badly, along with everything else. It is the one final attack to shatter every chance of finding self-consolation I could shamelessly dig out to at least nudge myself up a bit from depression. For the first time in my life, I don�t know how to face everyone � the tutors, my parents and classmates. I really don�t know what happened. I want to know what happened. Utterly, utterly disappointed in myself.

III.
As the sun rises, a grand masquerade beckons. Where you never know what the other person have been talking about you.

Smile, even if I don�t feel like to. But smile, for why should the world suffer in your sorrows? That is, if they care. Looking around the confines of the four walls, the voices fade to blend in with them, leaving the reality that I have to face � emptiness. My troubles, why would they care?

Many people exist in the world, each trying to fight for his or her interests. I, myself included. Yet when you will it to be this way, I yield to your requests. I can�t bring myself to say no when you wish it to be a yes. Why go for a clash? I want you to be happy. I want people to be happy. Altruistic? Or am I here just bhb-ing?

But I, henpecked? The funniest thing I have heard. They have never seen me chauvinistic yet. Neither have they yet to see me go all out regardless of how others feel for something I want. But is selfishness really the way to go? No.

I am no saint. I put in so much into friendships, hoping that it would be reciprocated, that because I am nice to others, others will be nice to me. But indifference, that�s all I get. Do you read my face? Do you see all the troubles behind this jovial fa�ade? I hope for a confidante. Yet no one, no one has emerged. Even a contrived beginning of � Let�s talk about this topic� wasn�t helpful. No one, who I can look for to talk, to complain without inhibitions. To be my true self.

I hope people will be genuine to me, just as I try to be genuine to them. Yet every time after we hang out, and had fun for that moment, I just feel totally down and out. It�s like eating drugs � after the �high�, you just collapse in a hangover. I am no mature fellow. But it�s a front I have to consistently put on, with no places where I could take it down without hesitations and wavering trust. After all, if I try, it only invites a response of eyes rolling up.

I don�t like this feeling. I don�t like myself to be this way. What have I become?

I don�t like to be a standalone character. I want to mix with people, without troubles, without worries.

Disappointed.

IV.
I do see traces of your true selves. Are you happier being that?

V.
Don�t give me good-natured advice. I can�t listen to them now. Sorry. Too upset and angry with myself. Ranting here. Wallowing in self-pity? Perhaps. I know I will regret this after posting it up. But not in a mood to bother about it. Though I apologize if this entry has offended anyone, not that I can think of any.